i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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