dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
