It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she pinky promised me she was 18
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
