watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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