OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
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