You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Houston, we have a blender
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
