ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
