I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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