I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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