just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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