I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
