You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
