She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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