After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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