I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
