dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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