If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
