when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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