it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you had me at cake vodka
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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