Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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