You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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