Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
