he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
