new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
