Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
