Just fell off a train. Bad.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
