She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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