On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Quick, to the slutcave!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize