Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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