Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize