I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
