Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
