I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
