So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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