My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
