In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
