i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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