what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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