just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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