i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
