I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
