I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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