she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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