you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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