i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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