I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
