I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
