i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
