she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
