you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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