a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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