Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize