he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
