im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You know, be my cock's hype man.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
