We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
