I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
