Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
