I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize