i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
