I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
