I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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