Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's blow job season.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
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