btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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