If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You need a sexual gate keeper
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
