there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
